


TABLESTUCK- A Homestuck AU fanfic

by terraqueousIdeology



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Alternate Universe - Middle School, Gen, Humanstuck, Multi, Other, Self-Insert, Tablestuck, dumb meta humour, eek these dummies swear like sailors, sort of AH style
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-02-05
Updated: 2021-02-05
Packaged: 2021-03-16 11:42:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,382
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29206806
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/terraqueousIdeology/pseuds/terraqueousIdeology
Summary: Have you ever wondered what it would be like if the Homestuck characters were just normal eighth-graders and if you were some lonely piece of white trash that doesn't know what the fuck to do in any social situation?  Well, my friend, you've come to the right place.Joseph Kaczynski is a little dipshit of a kid that was forced to switch middle schools right after the start of eighth grade.  Unsure where to sit, he stumbles his way through social interactions and meets the main cast of Homestuck throughout the school week as he sits his little ass at different lunch tables every day.Who becomes his lasting friends, who stays merely an acquaintance?I have a shipping grid but you can't know until I write the shit.No, these aren't one-shots, though that is also a good idea.  Feel free to write one-shots based on this, that'd be cool af.You can tell I'm not good at writing summaries.
Kudos: 2





	TABLESTUCK- A Homestuck AU fanfic

**Author's Note:**

  * For [panda_mug](https://archiveofourown.org/users/panda_mug/gifts).



> Hey there, terraqueousIdeology here. I just wanted to say: thank you so much for giving this fic a read. I haven't written one in years and I recently made a new account in an effort to jump back in. Please critique my work and suggest things to help me improve my writing (especially the in-character stuff).  
> Also, I probably won't go too deep into any serious topics in this fic because I want it to just be a little fun thing but there is quite a bit of strong language so just a heads up. I'll add content/trigger warnings when deemed necessary.  
> Again: Thanks for reading!!!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Welcome to Tablestuck fuckers, if it wasn't already obvious there is quite a bit of strong language in here (and there definitely will be in future chapters) so just a heads up.

**TABLE STUCK**  
**== > CHAPTER 1: “LOOK AT THE FUCKING LUNCH LINE!”**  
A young man stands in the hallway leading up to the cafeteria of his new middle school. As all of these AUs are stereotypically set up, it is his first day here and he is the most awkward piece of dogshit there is and naturally is going to spend at least ten minutes having a nervous breakdown about where to sit at lunch only to remember that he cannot bring a lunch and refuses to buy the shit concoctions that schools try to feed to the young children of our generation and will inevitably sit in a corner alone and read _Lord Of The Flies_ for the (at least) fifteenth time.  
Now, what will the name of this young dandy be?  
**> Enter name.**  
LAMEASS SHITFACE  
Try again dumbass, it can’t be that hard to guess a white kid’s name!  
**> Try again.**  
JOSEPH KACZYNSKI  
Good job, gold metal, you’ve earned some brownie points.  
Your name is JOSEPH, you’re THIRTEEN years old and are currently thinking how dumb it is that you switched middle schools when you literally only have one year left of middle school to go, to be more specific eight months. Ignoring that and the fact that you want to yeet your last name into the fucking void, you consider yourself pretty damn cool. Well, you like to tell yourself while at the same time being the lamest person you know. You tend to speak in A NICER MANNER THAN YOU HOW YOU THINK and often COMPLETE THOUGHTS IN SEPERATE BREATHS. You also use the words BRO and MAN so much to the point that it becomes ALMOST EXCESSIVE FOR NORMAL CONVERSATION. As you mentioned before, you are contemplating whether to risk IRREPARABLY DAMAGING the small sliver of social confidence you have or to just sit down right where you’re standing and read a book. Speaking of books, CLASSIC LITERATURE is one of your many INTERESTS. This falls among things like COMPUTER PROGRAMMING, and the fine art of acting like you DON’T GIVE A FUCK. You also like to over-analyze CHILDREN'S ANIMATED MOVIES in your free time and have a knack for liking FAIRLY OBSCURE WEBCOMICS though to anybody on this website that is reading this specific piece of fan literature, the media this is based on is anything but obscure. What will you do now?  
**> Tell me to quit the meta shit, and walk into this conundrum of hell and scope out a table to sit at you suppose.**  
Great place to start, your integrity is really something to honour. I am salivating in the presence of your knowledge, wishing for you to bestow it upon me with one hard blo- this bit is getting weirdly sexual how about we not?  
You walk into the cesspool that is more commonly known as the cafeteria of Copper Cove Middle School. You get ready to unzip your backpack to whip out your pride and joy, a limited edition copy of William Golding’s _Lord Of The Flies,_ because upon entering the room the intimidation factor has just shot through the roof. The number of prepubescent tweens in the space before you is astronomical and most likely the scariest thing you have seen in a while.  
If you’re having trouble envisioning this, imagine the “Look at all those chickens!” vine except replace the geese with screaming thirteen-year-olds and repace the little girl with me [Josie, a.k.a future Joseph] and instead of saying “look at all those chickens” I’m contributing to the noise by fucking screaming my ass off.  
That’s how our little guy Joseph is feeling right now.  
**> Ok, enough with this meta shit, how about you actually scan the room now. I see some people that look like they’d be more than happy to let you sit with them.**  
Despite not wanting to follow the commands of the voice that apparently dictates your life now, you scan the room anyways.  
You locate a few tables that you would consider placing your voluptuous ass onto the benches of, but alas, you can’t muster the confidence to walk over and ask permission to bestow their lunch bench with the magic of your butt.  
God, you need to stop thinking about your butt.  
There’s one table you would like to sit at, and you’re pretty sure that the kids sitting there wouldn’t give a shit if you sat there or not but from the looks of it they are already engrossed in conversation and you wouldn’t want to interrupt. You decide you’ll never sit there unless you’re invited to which will most likely never happen, hah, have fun.  
**> Look towards the goddamn lunch line, I need a proper segway to introduce Aradia into this story with that isn’t you like zoning out and bumping into her or something lame like that.**  
Who the fuck is “Aradia”?  
**> I’m begging you, look towards the lunch line.**  
FINE!!! My lord Ms. “I am the three fates”, chill. Or Mr., I’m not really sure.  
**> Either one works, or you could just use “Mx.” if you feel so inclined to not misgender me.**  
“Mx.”? I’ve never heard of that… How do you pronounce it?  
**> You’re supposed to be looking at the lunch line, I’ll save it for another time.**  
Okay I guess…  
**== > Joseph: Look towards the lunch line.**  
You look towards the lunch line, pissed off at this voice. You’re supposed to notice some Aradia chic, or at least you assume she’s a chic, but so far you see nothing. You stare at the lunchline for about a minute and start to get bored.  
Big whoop disembodied future voice.  
**== > Joseph: Stop it with the meta shit and retrieve your copy of _Lord Of The Flies_ From Your Backpack.**  
You look away from the lunch line as you fish around in your backpack fot your book. Disembodied future voice over here is screaming their fucking head off but you ignore it because you’ve given up on trying to socially interact with people for the day.  
You can’t wait to crack open your beautiful copy of William Golding’s _Lord Of The Flies_ and become enveloped in the beautiful paragraphs depicting the de-evolution of a bunch of bratty Bri-  
**> JESUS. FUCKING. CHRIST. YOU ASSHOLE, LOOK BACK TOWARDS THE GODDAMN LINE SHE IS TRYING TO GET YOUR ATTENTION.**  
What the hell man!? I was just about to crack open my book, that was really rude.  
**> I DON’T CARE ABOUT YOUR GODAMN BOOK, LOOK AT THE FUCKING LUNCH LINE.**  
What the fuck dude? No need to be so aggressive. I’m looking, see? Well now I am physically looking at the lunch line, I was just facing it the first time.  
**> Do you see Aradia?**  
As actively as I am looking at the line, I could not tell you what this Aradia chic looks like. Didn’t you think this through like how the hell am I supposed to look for a girl who I don’t know?  
**> …**  
You move your eyes up and down the lunch line, still not sure who the hell you’re supposed to be looking for when you notice a pretty girl happily waving at you. Or at least you think towards you.  
**== > Joseph: Point towards yourself in confusion, mouthing “Me?” because that’s what you do when you’re not sure if someone is waving at you or not.**  
The pretty girl nods her head and does that “come over here” thing with her hands. From the look on her face she’s either going to make you pay for her lunch or is going to try and seduce you, you fear that you wouldn’t be able to prevent either of those things from happening so you turn away.  
**> Dude, she is literally thirteen! She’s just going to ask you if you want to sit with her at lunch, she’s not going to seduce you or any of the other dumb shit you’re coming up with. Get out of your head man.**  
But wh-  
**== > Joseph: Walk over to Aradia and prepare for the worst.**  
Against your will, you navigate your way through a short maze of teenagers and lunch tables and walk up to the girl wearing the Indiana Jones shirt whose name is apparently Aradia, all the worst-case scenarios bubbling around in your head. You reach where she’s standing, your own feet planted about two feet apart from hers. She’s shorter than you, stocky. Her olive skin is smooth and her hair is dark. She’s wearing an Indiana Jones shirt and a pair of black ripped jeans. Her hair is long and dark, curly too, going down to her waist. Your eyes meet for a second and you study her face. She has thin eyes and cute lips, her mouth naturally curving up in the corners making her resting face a slight smirk. She’s probably Japanese, or at least part Japanese, upon reevaluation she probably has some Latino in her too.  
**> God, I thought I was better than this… Though I’m not going to lie, Aradia is very attractive.**  
Well if you admit it then why are you making fun of me for it? Just because you’re me from the future or some dumb shit like that doesn’t mean you’re any better.  
**> Oh no, I’m definitely better but you’ll learn that when you grow up.**  
Whatever.  
**> Back to Aradia.**  
After a few seconds of silence (those in which you were observing her appearance) she opens her mouth and speaks.

ARADIA: hey!

JOSEPH: Hi…

ARADIA: …

JOSEPH: Why do you want to talk to me? Did I do something wrong…?

ARADIA: hm… yeah so about that you see you have fucked up big time looking at me like that back there and i really wanted to talk to you about that because i can not let this just sit around

You look at her in disbelief as she utters these menacing words and start to tear up. All the worst-case scenarios are coming true right now and your day has officially gotten at least ten times worse.  
You feel a tear slip down your cheek and quickly wipe it but you’re fully aware that she totally saw that.  
Shiiit.

ARADIA: oh crap that was a joke you know

JOSEPH: Oh, okay. Uh, sorry about that… :///

ARADIA: youre fine i just saw you standing there and you looked lonely so i was going to ask you if you wanted to sit at my table!

JOSEPH: REally?

JOSEPH: *clears throat* I mean, really?

ARADIA: of course dummy! i wasnt going to just let you stand there the whole time

ARADIA: though i will say that reading lord of the flies isnt a bad way to spend your lunch period

As she says this Aradia looks down towards your left hand and you realize that you never put your book back into your bag. For some reason your awkward ass starts blushing because of this, luckily Aradia doesn’t notice plus she probably wouldn't give a shit.  
**== > Joseph: Put your prized possession, your baby, back into your backpack (which may I mention is one of the shittiest things ever and is fucking falling apart my god).**  
You put your copy of _Lord Of The Flies_ back into your backpack, got to keep that safe, though if you were being completely honest it would be safer just in your hands.

JOSEPH: Eheh, yeah.

JOSEPH: It’s one of my favorite books, I think this is my fifteenth time reading it,

JOSEPH: though as awesome as it is I would rather sit with somebody than be in a corner alone.

ARADIA: no way! lord of the flies is one of my favorites as well

ARADIA: and damn fifteen times? i dont think i like any book enough to read it that many times 0_0

ARADIA: im impressed

JOSEPH: Thanks… :)))

Aradia turns away and gives the cafeteria worker three bucks and walks with her lunch tray towards the door, standing out of the way of people when she stops. You hadn’t realized that the two of you had been walking down the line while you were talking and that Aradia was getting her lunch.

ARADIA: you coming?

JOSEPH: Oh! Yeah, sorry about that.

Gosh, you need to stop zoning out, you’ll never get anything done if you keep on staring into the distance like you’re having some flashback in a movie.  
**== > Aradia: Lead Joseph over to your lunch table, this loser is going to be in over himself when he meets the chucklefucks sitting there.**  
You know I can still hear you, right? Wait, does this mean that you can control her as well?  
**> I guess you’ll just have to find out.**  
Lord, would you stop it with all the ominous shit, I’m starting to get really pissed off.  
**> Just follow Aradia you shitlord.**  
Oh yeah, I was supposed to be doing that.  
You stop subconsciously talking to yourself and sling your other backpack strap back over your shoulder. You look up and realize that Aradia has already started to walk through the corn maze that is the cafeteria that you’re standing in and jog up to her in an effort to catch up.  
Aradia leads you through the tables until you reach the back of the cafeteria. She sits down at a table to the right of you and you follow.  
There are three other people sitting at the table, they say hi to Aradia and one of them says hi to you as well. Another one of them looks at you as if you were dog puke or something.  
Aradia sits on the edge of one of the benches, there’s a space between her and the grimacing kid. She pats the seat and tells you to sit down.  
**== > Joseph: Sit in the spot that Aradia so graciously offered you and make the expression on the other kid’s face become even more exaggerated.**  
You finally plant your tush onto a seat in this cafeteria and grin a little to yourself for accomplishing something. Though you will admit that you don’t particularly want to sit next to the asshole that is openly disgusted by your presence, sitting with people feels pretty good.  
**== > Josie: End this fucking chapter before you write a whole-ass essay about how you’re lonely as fuck.**  
**> Affirmative.**

**[END OF CHAPTER 1]**


End file.
